MACHETE... I saw the new Robert Rodriguez action film yesterday, and um, where do I begin? Do I talk about the movie’s VERY OVERT take on illegal immigration first? Or the extremely gory but amusing violence? Or how 'bout the fact Robert Rodriguez somehow manages to get some of the hottest actresses in Hollywood to bare it all in his movies? Um... I think I’ll talk about the hot actresses’ part first.
In 2005’s Sin City, Robert Rodriguez had Carla Gugino and Jaime King showin’ some skin in the Frank Miller graphic novel-inspired flick. In Machete, he had Jessica Alba (who was also in Sin City—but as an exotic dancer who pretty much kept her clothes on) AND Lindsay Lohan doing nudesy in his film...albeit briefly. Say what you will about Lohan, but I took no offense to seeing her skinny dip in that pool before ending up nude and unconscious on a couch in Cheech Marin’s holy sanctuary. If only Michelle Rodriguez was also game in doing a scene that would eventually be featured on Mr. Skin, this would be a trifecta. I’m tempted to point out that R. Rodriguez should’ve at least have M. Rodriguez and Alba "share" a special moment at that taco truck (outside of M. Rodriguez's character showing Alba her immigration papers, since Alba plays a cop in the movie), but I won’t. Anyways... Onto the illegal immigration part.
UPDATE (September 6): I just found out online that Jessica Alba wasn't nude at all in Machete...and that the white undies she's wearing in all the TV commercials were on the whole time. The undies were 'removed' via CGI. I'm too lazy to edit the rest of this entry to accommodate this lousy bit of news, so um, continuing reading on.
Machete would be nothing but a gory, brainless action flick featuring lots of well-known Mexican and Caribbean actors if not for the fact it was clearly obvious Rodriguez was intent on dealing with the issue of illegal immigration in his film. Most of Machete’s storyline takes place in Texas...though I wonder how controversial this movie would’ve been if Rodriguez had this flick take place in Arizona instead. Speaking of Arizona, I wonder how Machete fared in that state's movie theaters this weekend. It probably did well...most likely because of Jessica Alba’s shower scene, and Lohan’s moment in that swimming pool. Back-to-topic, it’s a nice bit of timing that Machete would be released during such a contentious time when illegal immigration is at the forefront of politics and everyday news discussions. It’s totally not farfetched that there would actually be vigilante gangs roaming around the desert—whether in California, Arizona, New Mexico or Texas—looking for illegal aliens to shoot. Now that we’re on this topic, onto the extremely gory but amusing violence in Machete.
If Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez have something in common, it’s that they both share a fondness for showing over-the-top bloodbath in such movies as Kill Bill and Grindhouse...respectively. In Machete, the biggest um, highlight of this flick was that hospital scene where Danny Trejo, as Machete, is having a conversation with that doctor about how long the human intestine is. Minutes later, you see Machete using a scalpel to stab a goon who was sent to kill him at the hospital, and then ripping out that goon’s intestine to use as a rope to climb out of a window and escape. If I was 6 years-old, I’d be extremely traumatized by this (assuming, of course, I knew what the heck I was watching). As it stands, I smirked at that scene. Also, what is it with Rodriguez showing priests killing or getting killed in his movies? In Sin City, Mickey Rourke’s character beats a priest to a bloody pulp...and in Machete, Cheech Marin’s preacher gets to blast away some bad guys before he unfortunately meets his fate nailed to a wooden cross. Do you think Jesus would condone Marin’s use of a shotgun moments before he got "martyred"? Do you think Jesus would condone Rodriguez’s portrayal of clergymen, period? Probably not. And for the record, I’m not a God-boy. I was being f-a-c-e-t-i-o-u-s.
One last note about Machete: Robert De Niro was hilarious in this film! You know his villainous role as a U.S. senator isn’t suppose to be taken seriously (like say, his role as the young Vito Corleone in The Godfather: Part II) when he’s forced to dress like a migrant worker during the final fight scene in Machete...only to be shot down by Lindsay Lohan in a nun outfit. I think he was much funnier in this movie than he was in Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers (the third installment, Little Fockers, which also features Jessica Alba and De Niro, comes out in theaters later this year). De Niro’s performance in this movie is just as amusing as the amount of weight Steven Seagal put on since his heyday doing action flicks such as 1992's Under Siege. I think it’s considered bad writing that I’m bringing up Seagal so late in this journal entry, so I’ll leave it at that. Actually...no. I have one question regarding Seagal and the beginning of Machete: How did Machete end up in Texas when, at the opening scene of the film, we see him with a knife wound to one of his legs and inside a house that Seagal’s goons are about to set on fire? I’ll have to watch this movie again (on DVD, obviously) to hear what Seagal's character told Machete before his life was spared. I wonder if Rodriguez will indeed make two more Machete films (titled Machete Kills and...Machete Kills Again). Just being facetious once more. Machete was an action-packed, laughing stock of a movie.
I also saw George Clooney’s new film The American this weekend. What did I think of this movie, you ask? Well let’s put it this way... I found a flick about a knife-welding Mexican to be more interesting. Violante Placido is very gorgeous, however, and Thekla Reuten for some odd reason reminds me of the lovely Amy Adams (of The Office and Enchanted fame). That is all.
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